04-10-2005 – Sunday Mirror – WE WILL.. MOCK YOU

SATURDAY night, ITV1. We’re halfway through Queenmania and Toyah Willcox is on stage singing Don’t Stop Me Now.

Sorry, Toyah. Click.

ITV’s Mania series. It’s what the mute button was invented for.

But Toyah doesn’t care. Freshly plucked from the plastic surgeon’s slab she’s telling us she’s “a racing car, driving by like Lady Godiva”.

Sadly, that facelift is making her look more like Lady Cadaver. And it’s quite clear the operation hasn’t been a total success. Her mouth still opens.

Anyway, Queenmania. Even before Toyah’s arrival it should have been renamed The Show Must Not Go On.

A real case of We Are The Chumpions as a staggering array of musical desperados and four blokes from Corrie lined up to ensure Freddie Mercury died at least six more times.

No wonder Zoe Ball – a definite improvement on the previous Fox who hosted Mania – advised us at the start of the show to make sure we’d warmed our head-banging muscles up.

I’d already nutted halfway through to the kitchen before the opening act Melanie C had reached the first chorus.

Yes, Rock Spice Melanie C. Putting the “man” into Queenmania she treated us to a remarkable rendition of One Vision which consisted entirely of one note. Flat.

And not content with murdering one of his finest songs, she then resorted to repeating idle showbiz tittle-tattle like “Freddie Mercury had the audience in the palm of his hand.”

But let’s not dwell on that. Because we’ve got a genuine exclusive for you. Yes, singing together for the very first time it’s (no drum roll required) – G4 and Lesley Garrett.

“All of us want Queen to go on forever,” said Lesley, a woman who knows a thing or two about going on forever herself.

The less said about the Corrie drag quartet’s version of I Want To Break Free the better. Although I have to admit it was quite funny. Until they started singing.

Sorry to be so uncharacteristically negative but I’m finding it hard to say anything nice about a show where the level of ingenuity meant we had to sit through G4’s Bohemian Crapsody – again. Surely it’s time for a general G4 amnesty, ITV. A week would do.

Fact is, Zoe and Myleene Klass aside, Russell Watson was the only person to emerge with any credit. First, he crayoned a comedy Freddie ‘tache on for the night. Then he did a wonderful version of Who Wants To Live Forever?

Forever, Russ? I’m not even sure I want to live till next Saturday.

It’s MadonnaMania.